Fast forward to January 2017. The presidential election is over. The projected fates of the most prominent candidates follow.
Scott Walker has been elected president—of a pseudo-religious motorcycle gang. Walker’s campaign for U.S. president flamed out when puppeteer David Koch accidentally pulled the wrong string, causing Walker to make an offensive gesture to Iowa evangelicals.
Walker now earns his living as a telemarketer in the style of Billy Mays, selling medical products that Walker and Donald Trump developed. They claim their products will cure male-pattern baldness, comb-overs, poverty, cancer, and hurricanes.
Trump was leading many polls prior to the Republican convention, and then he suddenly realized that he might win. “I was just in it for fun and never intended to become president. I have businesses to run that pay much better and I don’t have to put up with reporters rupturing my thin skin,” he explained, “so I fired myself from the campaign.”
That opened the door for Ted Cruz, who not only won the Republican nomination but also won the general election. Then Trump filed suit, saying that Cruz could not be president because he was born in Canada. The case went to the Supreme Court, which was angered by Cruz’s past attacks on the Court’s decisions on abortion and same-sex marriage. The Court took the presidency away from Cruz, necessitating another election.
Ben Carson, who narrowly lost in the primaries, and Cruz teamed up to form a medical and legal clinic which vigorously promoted accidental parenthood and chastised planning it. Their clinic also tried to make gay people less happy.
The Cruz-Carson partnership had existed only a short time, when Cruz suddenly disappeared. Evangelicals said that Cruz’s and Mike Huckabee’s health had been affected by the conflagration known as the Republican Primary. They said that shortly after Cruz was de-throned from the presidency, he and Huckabee were raptured to heaven, which had been purchased for Republicans by the Koch Brothers. Politically dead Republicans now spend eternity with their gods, Charles and David.
Jeb Bush and Hillary Clinton were both drubbed out of the presidential race by an angry public that was simply tired of hearing their names. In retaliation, they got together and formed a potent new party known as the Dempublicans.
Bernie Sanders won the Democratic primary overwhelmingly and was about to face John Kasich in the second general election, necessitated by the Cruz debacle. Then, during a highly suspicious secret ballot in the second Democratic convention, party leaders became nervous about running a Democratic Socialist and maneuvered to give the nomination to Joe Biden.
The Biden-Kasich race was hard fought, but in the end Biden ran out of energy and his campaign faltered. Republicans successfully portrayed him as an old-timer who was just bidin’ his time. Kasich was elected president.
Sanders and Republican candidate Carly Fiorina became so disenchanted with the way American democracy had been corrupted that they purchased a South Pacific island and started their own utopian country. With Fiorina in charge of finance and Sanders guiding social development, the country immediately flourished. Certain American capitalists began to flock to the new country, and it was soon in danger of being corrupted by big money, just as had happened in the U.S.A. Reluctantly, Fiorina and Sanders were forced to hire Trump to build a wall around their little country to keep other selfish political billionaires out.
Sanders, Fiorina and their country lived happily ever after.